Obviously the Christmas of 1989 was very good to me. This sick Batman sled combined with my authentic Ghostbusters Jumpsuit made me undoubtedly the coolest cat in the 1st grade.

**Take note of the thin white wire holding the steering wheel on. Thanks Dad for looking out for your young son’s safety by attaching a clearly broken steering wheel on a sled with a wire resembling a piece of thin dental floss.**

My first set of wheels…I know it’s not much, but it sure beats that piece of shit you drove when you were 4 years old. You know the milfs were getting hot when I came pedaling around the cul-de-sac.

Princess Smart Belles. WTF is this woman wearing?! It looks like a giant red singlet a junior high wrestler would wear. Not only can you count every single one of her rubs, but you could spot that cameltoe from halfway across the gym. If they’re going to use the word Princess in the title I would at least appreciate an endorsement from the likes of Princess Leia or even the Pop Princess herself, Madonna (also strange that Madonna doesn’t raise a concern through spellcheck).

Perhaps if my mother would’ve taken these out of the box when she purchased them back in 1981, she wouldn’t require weekly meetings with Jenny Craig and their crack staff who for some reason or another make it a point to call our house during breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Cleaning out the attic this afternoon. Talk about a major mistake. Look at some of this junk. The best part is I received explicit instructions from my parents NOT to throw out the Christmas plastics. Tacky decorations MIGHT make a comeback. Who wouldn’t want a 6lb 8oz Baby Jesus set imported from Italy. Are you serious? And then there are the life size carolers…whose head was stolen during the Christmas of ‘86 and the only suitable replacement head resembles that of something from the movie Beetle Juice. Awesome.